Shell Nawwwl

Greetings!! Long time, no post...

I’m currently on hiatus from a few things right now and DATING is one of them! My last date, in this swelteringly hot month July and it was a definite dud, however I still believe in love, faith and sane men. I certainly wish my Love Life was as hot as these Florida Summers, but I digress…Let’s get on with it, shall we?

It was a beautiful Summer Sunday when I went on what I now know to be my last date of my fourth POF (Plenty of Fish) Season. The “lucky guy” was JR, which he preferred over his “presidential” birth name, Jackson. He hails from “allover, mainly Florida", as he put it…This should’ve been my sign to RUN, since the mofo couldn’t even pinpoint where he was from, among other things, which I’ll share later. He lived near Orlando, and was eager to meet me, so much so that he tried to during one of his work trips to my city, which is only a few hours away. This guy was 36, never been married and no children…Yes, this SOUNDS great to a woman like me (at least the no kids part, because I feel that some divorced men are Diamonds in the Rough), early thirty’s, never married, no kids either, but I must admit, most guys of the same description seem to be a little, shall we say, “Bat Sh*t Cray-Cray” or crazy as defined by Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary. (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/crazy) I decided to give him a shot, because he seemed decent, based on our conversations. And he also sounded (and looked, in person) older than 36…so I assumed he was mature and couth…

We decided to meet at a restaurant, of my choice, since he didn’t know the area well. I chose a popular, local diner, with great food and affordable pricing. Although I love me some fine dining, I’m mindful of where I chose to go, especially the first date, because I don’t want to come across as a Lunch Slut or Dinner Whore. If he chooses to take me to a high end spot, I’ll surely eat, I’m just not going to suggest it, simply because a 5 Star Personality supersedes 5 Star Dining any day with me.

Admittedly, I was extremely late, due to an issue too silly to discuss, even with him. I finally arrive and he’s standing outside, looking down at his phone, to compare my picture online to the real-life me, and goes “Yep, that looks like you”. Uhhh, really? Not so subtle are we, eh? I noticed as he spoke he had a tooth, that was the color of an egg-yolk. It explained why he had no pics online smiling open mouthed though…I wasn’t going to focus on that, instead I wanted to see what kind of person he was (and bad “toofus” can be fixed, just ask me!)  Anyway, we briefly “Church-Hugged” and went inside the restaurant. After being seated, he complained a lot about the menu, stating that “since the restaurant is so close to the beach, I was expecting more seafood…” I was a little irritated, but I calmly stated “You should’ve asked me to pick a seafood restaurant then”… Sidebar: Ladies, if a man is having issues with something as uncomplicated as restaurant choice/genre, RUN (hell, keep gym shoes in the trunk for this..lol)! Every single (no pun intended) time I’ve had a date that began with indecision on the man’s part, the date wound up being a dud. I’m not that picky, but hell, if you can’t do a simple task like pick a restaurant/food genre, your decision making skills suck …The sole purpose is for US to INTERACT, nevermind the food! “A 5 Star Personality supersedes 5 Star Dining any day with me.” 

Anyway, the food arrives and I think it’s delicious. I asked him about his “personalized meal selection” of blackened salmon and cheese grits. He says it's alright, while eating the meal faster than Usain Bolt running on steroids. WTF? We make small talk during the meal and since we both love the beach, we decided to go after our meal. I figured he can’t f*ck this up…or can he? SMH

We both drove a few blocks away to park and be closer to the beach. As I walk towards him, he hands me an opened umbrella, but it wasn’t raining. What in the complete f*ck? I should’ve passed on it, but he “didn’t want me to get too hot”.  Uhhh, it’s the beach, in Florida, in July…smh! I’m walking like a dayum fool, talking with him, while under my own personal USP: Umbrella SPF Protection. He looks at his phone, and blurted out “This lady gets on my God d*mn nerves”. Wow!! Naturally, I had to, uh, ask  “Is everything alright”? He said yes, and mumbled something about her ("a lady from the office")…Mind you, I rarely talk about work on dates nowadays, especially in that way… He’s also making comments of how light he really is in comparison to the darkened complexion of his face and arms (mind you, I'm still darker than he). I guess it must be all of the contracting work and unprotected beach walks that keeps him, so tan, eh? But who gives a sh*t, so I change the subject and ask him if he has any siblings. His response, with a straight face was “Yeah, my daddy loves P**sy, I got a whole bunch of ‘em”. WTF2, squared, to the second power!!! I was taken aback and nervously stated “Wow, Ohhh kay”…

We continued to walk on the beach, he’s picking up shells and I followed suit, umbrella in one hand, shells in the other. He said he likes to "make things with 'em". I guess he can’t let all of that Contractor talent go to waste (*eye roll*)…He suggested we get going; since I had to meet with a friend to help her with wedding duties and he had to “drive to Tampa, for a contracting meeting with his brother”. He planned to do all of that, and be back home that evening. It was 3pm, he lives 2 hours away from me and I live 3 hours away from Tampa, so you're talking 5 hours minimum driving time. I guess he has an airplane too…Nope, no airplane, just a toilet, to put all of this bullsh*t in…

As we’re walking away from the beach, he suggests we go to get something to drink. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on an alcoholic beverage after dealing with this clown. There was a Crab Shack within walking distance so we headed there…While complaining about the 3 post structure of a beachside high rise condo, he tosses the handful of shells he picked up on the beach, onto the sidewalk/entryway….Oh, Hell Nawwwl!!! I could not believe what he just did! I asked him why did he do that, he replied, “Oh, I didn’t really like any of those anyway”.  So I guess this he is the “Catch & Release” type. In my mind, I could not wait to get that cold DRANK!!! Yikes! 

We walked on the deck entrance to the restaurant and as we approach the door he goes “Ah, Ah..come on let’s go, the drinks in there are going to be overpriced, and plus I got all of these contractors I gotta pay, let’s go to the convenience store”. Apparently he was looking to go get a soda, and I was looking to get a drink. I’m going to pause writing because I just died here…I’ll be back shortly…Please come to my funeral, thank you!

Aaaaaaargh!!!!

Okay, I’m back. Yes, this MF just did that and I agreed to leave and have him follow me to the store, since I know the area. By this point I was obviously having an Out-Of-Body experience, I was being way too nice considering what just happened. I should’ve cussed his ass out and/or parted ways. In disbelief, I drive off toward the nearest gas station. I thought he was following, but apparently he was not. I missed his previous calls due to my phone being on silent. As soon as I called him back he goes “Why you ain’t picking up the phone”. I reply “What? My phone was on silent, I didn’t hear it, why would I just NOT pick up the phone”. He said that he went over to McDonald’s to get a “drink” and he was going to go ahead and get on the road…(or maybe his invisible private jet, if he can scrap up some leftover pennies for jet fuel) By the way, he drove a newer Black Mercedes Benz. Maybe a downgrade in vehicle could free up some spare dating change, eh? But I digress…

He said that he really enjoyed meeting me and he looked forward to seeing me again. I said thank for taking me out, have a safe trip. Now you know, I obviously did not want to see his “Bat Sh*t Cray-Cray” ass ever again, in life or death…lol He called and texted me a few times over the next few days after our hellacious date, however I did not respond. At this point, I’m so glad that I deactivated my POF account before I met him and that I closed out this dating season with another experience for the books. I’ll admit, It’s been an interesting ride, Randy’s is done with the “BS Bus”. It’s time to get FOCUSED, and quit looking for HIM. The final story remains unwritten, however I will return with a few more past tales soon. See you later, Sweets! Smooches!!!